Neglected Friendship

Last night, my friend Anne told me that she was seeing somebody, and it was going really well. It has been an unexpectedly good two weeks. My first reaction was, “good for you” but then I had this deep feeling of emptiness. When did this happen? Am I not in the loop anymore?

Just about this time, the over-reactive nature of my emotions kicked in, and I couldn’t help but feel that this was a continuation of  the trend that I had been acutely aware of before: I’m losing most of my friends.

Did I ever talk to Eli, one of my best friends? No. Did I ever talk to Anne anymore? Hardly. I haven’t talked to Travis since I borrowed Heaven Lake from him. I still haven’t finished it. What about Grant, who’s been trying to get a hold of me to discuss his poetry? No chance. Cassondra says that she misses me. Shit.

And what about the whole mess of people that I’ve only talked to one or two times recently or at all, but I desperately want to hang out with, like Johnny, Karissa, Angela, Tiger, and so on? Or just connect with? Or whatever?

Then there are the friends I have close to me in Union (Ricky, Tony and Laura) that I never have time for either. Distance isn’t an excuse here.

With all of these feelings and semithoughts, I teared up. Couldn’t help myself.

So today, I am going to write a letter of apology:

Dear Neglected Friends,

I have not been very easy to get a hold of, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I can’t afford to get a regular phone plan, so right now, I’m using a Tracfone; happily donated, gratefully used. The best way for me is to use WiFi and text people.

I live  out in Beaufort again, so now I drive constantly, and I’m never anywhere consistently. It’s a real drain on my income and my sanity, but it’s the only choice I have right now.

I have recently acquired a second job. I now work for the CCSCSTL and Haveli’s. I’m not going to have much time for unplanned hangouts.

All of this is upsetting to me. What happened? When I lived in the city, it was really easy to have all of you as friends, even when I worked like a dog at Steak ‘n Fake.

I know that I’m in a transitional period. I’ve lost things; I’m going to lose more. I’m prepared to let go of nearly all of my possessions that I don’t truly need. But, I don’t want to lose any of you. But, well, it has to go both ways, and all of you are busy too.